5:12 pm. K. had sex with her ex last night. I feel hurt and jealous. And surprised. It felt like an escalation. And a rejection. Certainly a deprioritization. Now what? I could pull away in anger or just let it go. Can I just let it go? Why not? Because it hurts? Why does it hurt? Because it triggers previous and older wounds. I don’t have to go there.
Be easy on yourself and her. Don’t destroy the love you have out of ego and wounded pride.
6:22 pm. Long talk on the phone. She’s so honest and thoughtful and spiritually evolved, despite the darkness that coexists with the light. Every time I talk to her, I remember why I love her so much. The problem is she’s not feeling the same way about me. Ouch.
8:27 pm. Another long talk on the phone. Inconclusive. Are we getting together tomorrow night or not? She’s not sure.
11:31 pm. Watched The Miracle Worker with Scarlett tonight. I’d been trying to get both her and Beckett to watch it for years, to no avail. Beckett refuses to watch black and white movies and Scarlett typically adopts Beckett’s prejudices. But she had been asking me a lot of questions about blindness and deafness recently so I encouraged her, once again, to watch this film. And she agreed and then she loved it so much. It was so fun to watch it with her. I cried at the end, which surprised her. But seeing it with her was about as joyful an experience as I’ve ever had.