You Can’t Even Step Into the Same River Once

Archive

5/21/2022

9:48 am. Summer is a month away. And the Ulysses play is happening in 26 days.

2:36 pm. Nice walk with Beckett to get him a burrito. He was chattier than usual, which I always love.

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#141
May 22, 2022
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5/20/2022

1:22 pm. Woke to the following messages from readers:

Reader #1: “You turn everything gold into shit,” I love that!!!! I know so many people who do this without even realizing! I will probably quote you in the future (winking face emoji).

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#140
May 21, 2022
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05/19

2:07 pm. Was woken at 4 in the morning by a spam call. Went into the kitchen to get a drink of water when I noticed that water was dripping from the ceiling. It was raining hard, but I don’t live on the top floor, I live one floor down. I put a bowl under the leak only to notice another leak and then another. The water was starting to pour in.

I spent the rest of the night emptying pots and pans of brownish water that had leaked into my apartment. The leaking stopped when the rain stopped.

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#139
May 20, 2022
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5/18/2022

3:02 pm. Woke up from Ulysses dreams. My unconscious is fully immersed and is working out problems even while I sleep. I am happiest when I am gestating a new work.

Listened to Joseph Campbell’s Joyce lectures while jogging. I always feel very close to his way of perceiving the world. He’s a theist, like me.

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#138
May 19, 2022
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5/17/2022

12:21 am. Close to K. all day. In a new way. Took several walks together in the perfect Spring weather. Lounged on the fire escape. She helped me with both the Ulysses script and editing the Show. I feel so much love for her when she does that.

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#137
May 18, 2022
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5/16/2022

9:34 am. K. was upset about my last journal entry. She felt it misrepresented events and left out important information and misquoted her. She’s right, of course, but the journal isn’t an attempt to speak accurately and fairly about anything or anyone. It’s just me processing my feelings and trying to relate my experience of my day.

While meditating this morning (“Let me remember that God created me”), I had an insight about the Ulysses project. I’ve been freaking out about it because there isn’t time to do this properly and my ego keeps getting involved and then goes into a panic. The insight was that I can’t do this by myself. I can’t do this with my ego alone. I need help from a higher source. This was helpful and comforting to realize. I can do it, but it won’t be “me” doing it. The lifelong call to drop my ego is shifting into a higher gear because of this project simply because I won’t be able to pull it off any other way.

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#136
May 17, 2022
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5/15/2022

11:32 am. Woke up unsure of the status of my relationship with K. or even of what the proper sexual protocol now was. I said to K: “I don’t know how to be with you anymore. Are you my girlfriend or his?” She said: “I’m your girlfriend.” I questioned the over-simplification of her answer. We talked about it and eventually ended up having sex.

Afterwards, I said, “What do you want to do about our relationship?” She said, “I don’t know.” I said: “We have three options. 1) Keep seeing each other as we have been, 2) Keep seeing each other but also see other people, and 3) stop seeing each other and only see other people.” She shook her head “no” to the third option, which left 1 and 2. When I asked her which she preferred, she said she didn’t know, adding: “What if in a few days, this passes, and I stop having feelings for him?” I said, okay, she could take however much time she needs as long as she understands that her uncertainty is taking a toll on the relationship and that the longer it continues, the bigger the toll.

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#135
May 16, 2022
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5/14/2022

11:47 pm. Reeling from today’s events. K. came over today. She seemed a little far away. We talked about what happened and why. I think she had been holding some grudges. But she said that she had started having feelings for this other person. Which caught me a little off guard and made me angry. It felt like she was adding insult to injury. But we talked it through and eventually got to a good enough place that we ended up having sex. Pretty good sex. And then I felt better and somehow healed.

She basically said she felt we were even now (even from my slight of having fantasized about other women during sex) and I was under the impression that her infidelity was over. But then later this evening, she said she was feeling anxious and when I asked why, she said it was because of the feelings she was still having for this other person. I guess I realized then and there that this was probably the end of our relationship as a monogamous couple.

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#134
May 15, 2022
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5/13/2022

4:20 pm. Today, K. sent me a both touching and troubling text informing me she’d just had sex with another guy, a friend she’d had sex with once before and who was visiting from out of town and who she had let spend the night at her place. The night before, she’d written: “No funny business, don’t worry.” She said in her text that she’d understand if I wanted to break up with her but that she wanted to stay together. She seemed pretty shaken up about it and kept saying how sorry she was. I called her. She was crying. We talked about it a little, but I had a zillion appointments today, plus I had the kids, plus I had a lot of Ulysses stuff to take care of, so I wasn’t totally able to process it or completely reassure her. I’m seeing her tomorrow so hopefully we can process it then.  

I mentioned it to Calvin because he was helping me with the Ulysses project when I got the text from K. and he said, “But you see other people too, right?” And I said, “No, I don’t. I used to before I met K. but I stopped because she asked me to.” He was surprised. I was surprised that he was surprised.

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#133
May 14, 2022
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5/12/2022

10:58 am. After last night’s journal entry, I received the following email from a reader of this journal: “With all due respect, I would take out sex related parts of your journal. It’s not that interesting and feels disrespectful to K.” Not sure why this troubles me as much as it does. Tempted to reply: “With all due respect, it’s interesting to me and it’s my journal.” But it’s also true that it stopped being my journal the minute I decided to put it online. Plus, on more than one occasion, I’ve invited readers to weigh in. So, fair.

But I’m also tempted to say: “I’m not sure why you think it’s disrespectful to someone to talk about having sex with them.” When B. threatened to sue me for slander because I’d said in The Show About the Show that we’d had great sex, she pointed out that New York State law defined slander as, among other things, publicly disclosing that a woman had been unchaste. I found this hard to believe so I looked it up and she was right. That is what the law says. But it must be from the last century and I can’t imagine it’s enforceable. It just seems so obsolete to me. But my point is I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having sex or enjoying sex or wanting sex and so I don’t really agree with the notion that it’s somehow disrespectful to the other person to talk about it. I guess it’s arguably disrespectful if they’re not okay with it, but even there, the truth is the truth.

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#132
May 13, 2022
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5/11/2022

10:46 am. Great morning sex, followed by meditation.

11:57 am. Saw B.[1] While jogging along the pier. She was with a guy who looked not very different from the last guy she was with. I guess she has a type. She saw me and immediately turned away and whispered something to the guy who turned to look at me. I waved to him. He waved back, not unfriendly. She continued looking away. I was tempted to stop and say hi but our last encounter was so traumatic and she obviously didn’t want to talk. Not sure what she’s so mad about since I did everything she asked[2] the last time I saw her. Afterwards, it occurred to me to warn the guy that she’s a sociopath but I’m sure he’ll find out soon enough.

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#131
May 12, 2022
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5/10/2022

7:17 am. Woke up early with thoughts of Ulysses on the brain. Not enough sleep but hopefully I can take a nap later.

8:45 am. Tried recording an ad-libbed monologue on Ulysses while jogging. It was helpful!

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#130
May 11, 2022
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5/9/2022

2:41 pm. Woke up feeling very close to K. Listened to The Odyssey while jogging. Lots of ideas for the stage version of Ulysses.

Long talk with K. about her playing Molly Bloom in the stage (and accompanying film) version. She’s scared but also interested. Trying to figure out the cast.

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#129
May 10, 2022
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5/8/2022

2:13 am. Beckett seemed to turn a corner today. He and Scarlett got into a fight and, for some reason, he seemed to realize that I wasn’t always taking her side. He seemed appreciative of my attempts at fairness and, when he was leaving, he stretched out both arms to offer me a hug – something he almost never does. I was deeply touched and lifted him off the ground, which made Scarlett laugh hysterically.

 K. returned from visiting her mother. Scarlett was here so we couldn’t be as affectionate as I wanted. Mandy was supposed to pick up the kids at 4 pm (I was supposed to start shooting at that time) but she didn’t actually show up until 7:30 pm, which made the shoot harder. Because K. had to babysit Scarlett, she wasn't available to record sound.

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#128
May 9, 2022
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5/7/2022

6:36 pm. I’ve spent the last 3 days looking for this one line that I recorded 5 years ago for The Show About the Show. Today, after exhaustively combing through all of the footage yet again, I finally gave up, resigning myself to the idea that the footage has been irretrievably lost. This freed me up to take a different approach to the problem. Ivica and I came up with a much better solution than finding the footage would have provided, and I was reminded once again that everything in life that seems bad is actually good.

9:13 pm. Long talk with Hayley about the practical exigencies of trying to write and cast and stage Ulysses before June 16th. She was encouraging, which surprises but reassures me since she seems a lot more grounded than I am. I’m scared but excited. Am I out of my mind? Definitely. I guess I’ll just keep trying but I’m noticing myself being paralyzed by fear.

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#127
May 8, 2022
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5/6/2022

2:09 pm. Nice talk with Genevieve[1]. Weird that she’s getting divorced. Would not have expected that. It’s so hard for people to get along.

8:18 pm. Just finished watching Cyrano with Scarlett. I was very moved by this film. I explained to her the concept of dramatic irony, which she understood right away. It was wonderful to watch it with her. It gave me a whole new appreciation of Peter Dinklage – what a great actor - and I loved the music by The National. Hats off to Joe Wright[2].

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#126
May 7, 2022
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5/5/2022

11:16 am. Caught another mouse this morning. The one-dollar glue traps work better than the high tech twenty-dollar traps, apparently. Figures.

6:31 pm. Pitched Rick Alverson[1] some episode ideas for our TV show. It’s always fun talking to him and but I felt weirdly empty and hopeless afterwards. The hoops one has to jump through in the hazing ritual that is commerce are so inhumane that it’s hard not to feel one has to perform a procrustean[2] operation on oneself in order to survive.

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#125
May 6, 2022
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5/4/2022

4:22 pm. Woken by K. yelling “Oh no!” in her sleep. She was having a nightmare that involved me, and was spooked and shaken for several hours afterwards.

6:49 pm. Picked up Scarlett from school and brought her home. She sat on K.’s lap and they played video games together while I cooked and cleaned. It made me happy to see them playing together.

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#124
May 5, 2022
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5/3/2022

10:45 am. Took MDMA with K. last night[1]. About as blissful and loving a night as one could imagine. Spent much of it trying to convince her how much I love her and how attracted I am to her. Feeling incredibly bonded this morning.

6:48 pm. Sweet day. Close. Quiet.

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#123
May 4, 2022
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5/2/2022

5:28 pm. K.’s birthday today. Woke up angry. Had great angry sex. Twice. Then we were both very loving.

Drove K. to pick up the keys to her new apartment. Then drove to the Cloisters[1]. Neither of us had ever been and we both loved it. I did the audio tour but K. didn’t want to so I would explain to her what I learned – for example, the difference between Romanesque and Gothic arches, or that the Jews were exiled from Great Britain in the 13th Century.

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#122
May 3, 2022
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5/1/2022

10:43 pm. Feeling hopeless. K. in a dark place. It’s her birthday tomorrow and I think it’s bringing up issues.

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#121
May 2, 2022
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4/30/2022

1:27 pm. Slept late. Beautiful day. Feeling very close to K.

1:27 am. One of the students in my musical class complained that the musicals we were watching were mostly foreign and that he had never heard of any of them. He asked if we could watch something mainstream and contemporary like Tick Tick Boom so I said okay and assigned Tick Tick Boom to my class to watch this week.

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#120
May 1, 2022
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4/29/2022

8:43 am. It’s my birthday. Went to bed way too late and woke up way too early so I could feed the kids and get them ready for school. Long talk with K. (on the phone) last night but she was in her “you hurt me” mode for much of it. She had been planning so lovingly for this day and now the whole thing is up in the air. Weirdly, I’m strong enough to withstand all of it. My birthday doesn’t have to be great or special for me to be okay with living. It can be awful and life can still be wonderful. 

1:30 pm. Fell asleep again and slept till 12:30 so I feel way more rested than usual. It’s a nice feeling. Woke to a bunch of birthday messages which was heart-warming, and also the news that K. had found an apartment. That’s going to be a huge load off her shoulders.

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#119
April 30, 2022
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4/28/2022

10:07 am.  Last night, K. told me she had listened to the podcast episode called “Sex with Teri”[1] and that she found it to be the most disturbing thing of mine she had come across. She said: “Do you ever fantasize about other women when you’re having sex with me?” I answered: “Of course.” She then asked: “About people you know?” I said: “Yeah.” And then she got upset and said: “I never want to have sex with you again. I think I’m breaking up with you.”

Then she went outside to smoke a cigarette. When she came back, she said, in a choked voice: “It was brave of you to tell me.”

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#118
April 29, 2022
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4/27/2022

9:58 am. K. and I came up with a podcast idea last night that I’m still excited about this morning. It’s called 365 Bible Stories I Want To Tell You Before We Both Go To Hell. I’ve always wanted to read the Bible and this is my chance. Plus, I’m excited by the idea of collaborating with K.

10:41 pm. Hayley liked the podcast idea. I pitched it to her as Getting Stoned with Caveh meets 365 Stories meets The Bible. Maxwell was skeptical at first – he’s allergic to religious texts - but I think he came around after I explained it better. He was worried it was going to be preachy.

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#117
April 28, 2022
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4/26/2022

9:48 am. Last night, a mouse was gallivanting around the apartment, daring us to do something about its late-night food run. At first, K. was against killing it but after watching it flaunt our inability to catch it, she agreed that it must die.

11:54 am. Bought glue traps for the mice.

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#116
April 27, 2022
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4/25/2022

Woke up. Realized the internet’s not working. Called Apple to try to fix it. Called Spectrum to try to fix it. Made an appointment to have someone from Spectrum come over between noon and 1 pm to fix it. Canceled my Zoom appointment with Val. Had sex. Canceled my Zoom appointment with Chantel. Let in the Spectrum technician who was eventually able to restore my internet connection. Met Danny Garfield[1] for the first time, over Zoom. We synced up the footage from last night. Met Matthew Gill[2] for the first time, also over Zoom. We started cutting in the Ashley footage. Met Taylor Ervin[3], for the first time, over Zoom. We continued cutting in the Ashley footage. Worked with Ivica[4], over Zoom. More cutting in of Ashley footage. Walked to the subway station. Took the subway to W. 4th Street. Walked to my classroom. Taught my musical class. Did a movement exercise with my students. Talked about fear. Rehearsed a musical number. Bought something at a sex shop to give to K. Came home. Considered stopping at the convenience store to buy chocolate but then decided not to. Told K. I had brought her something. When I showed it to her, she said, “I thought you meant you had gotten me chocolate.” Regretted not stopping at the convenience store on the way home to buy chocolate. I suggested we go to the convenience store to get some, even though it was 15 minutes before closing time. We hurried and got there at 10:50 pm. But the store was already closed. They had closed early even though the sign on the door said that the store was open until 11 pm. Came home discouraged. Watched several minutes of Until the End of the World which K. couldn’t stand. She said it was one of the worst things she had ever seen in her life. I kind of agree with her. Everything about that movie, at least so far, rubs me the wrong way – the use of music, the obsession with vistas, the increasing prioritization of visuals over human psychology. I started falling asleep. But I hadn’t finished the journal. So I got stoned so I could stay up and write. And I did.


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#115
April 26, 2022
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4/24/2022

12:17 am. I feel so much love tonight. Love for K. For Scarlett. For Beckett. For everyone in my life. Even love for Mandy, who hates me.

Took Scarlett to Lincoln Center to go see Petite Maman. There were subway delays so we got there late and missed the first few minutes of the film. It started out as a seemingly innocuous run-of-the-mill French drama about childhood and then, all of a sudden, it turned into something mind-blowing. I was so impressed by this strangely humble masterpiece. Scarlett liked it too. It was so fun for me to do this with her. I suggested we do it every weekend but she said no.

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#114
April 25, 2022
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4/23/2022

8:23 am. Last night was honorable. I finished watching Chi-Raq and I watched more of Until the End of the World. I didn’t get stoned, even though I was tempted to more than once. And I went to sleep at a reasonable time – in other words, I’m not totally wiped out right now.

11:33 am. Okay, so I screwed up my timing.[1] Funny how that throws the whole day out of whack. The truth is that my day is wide open. Painting and cleaning up are what I need to do today.

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#113
April 24, 2022
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4/22/2022

4:16 am. When Beckett wakes up at night, he always says, “Dad,” pretty quietly. And I always wake up right before he says it. It’s like a sixth sense. And then he always says, "Can I have a glass of water?" And then I always go and get it for him. And then I invariably can't sleep for the rest of the night.

11:18 am. Unpleasant text exchange with Leon[1].

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#112
April 23, 2022
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4/21/2022

1:03 pm. Had a dream about Will Oldham[1] last night. Then, this morning, I got a text from Adeliza[2] who I haven’t heard from in years, telling me she went to see Will Oldham perform last night.

1:58 pm. Long talk with K. about the Albania film.  She’s open to coming and being in it but is worried about hating how she looks and sounds on camera. She's also worried about there being proof of her existence in somebody else's hands.

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#111
April 22, 2022
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4/20/2022

6:55 pm. Is today National Smoke Marijuana at 4:20 pm in Solidarity with Other Marijuana Smokers Day? I’m pretty sure I’ve never done that but I do like the concept.

7:56 am. Kurt Cobain profile[1] is pretty fascinating. Especially all the Tobi Vail[2] stuff.

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#110
April 21, 2022
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4/19/2022

11:38 am. Happy this morning. It was fun telling K. the story of Rimbaud’s life and seeing her reactions. She was so wide-eyed.

All seems right with the world. All it really takes is a lover who loves you.

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#109
April 20, 2022
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4/18/2022

5:59 pm. Happy. We got two scenes shot today. All is well in the world or, at least, in my inner world.

Stefan was in relatively good spirits. It was nice to see Mike Ryan[1]. And it was very kind of him to grow his beard out like that and shave it like that and come all the way over to shoot that one shot. Totally forgot to have him do the line as a lip-sync though. Oops.

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#108
April 19, 2022
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4/17/2022

3:00 am. Zoom call with Thomas[1] and Genc[2] about the Albania film shoot. It looks like it’s happening.

Lunch with Rick Alverson[3] and his girlfriend who was extraordinarily compassionate. They seem like a great couple, which is so rare. They are both, obviously, very evolved people.

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#107
April 18, 2022
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4/16/2022

9:51 am. Scarlett is talking to her lawyer as I write this. It is what I was trying to avoid for weeks and, now that it is here, it doesn’t seem so awful. It’s absurdly expensive, of course, and a complete waste of money, but hopefully not as traumatic for her as I was fearing it would be. In some ways, maybe it’s even empowering and fun.

Some kind emails from readers of the journal this morning.

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#106
April 17, 2022
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4/15/2022

What happened today?

Almost nothing. I spent the day mostly at home and I spent all of it with Scarlett. Beckett spent the day at Mandy’s.

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#105
April 16, 2022
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4/14/2022

10:27 am. Incredibly beautiful day. Listened, while jogging, to Laurie Anderson’s audio profile of William Burroughs. I had never really understood his “language is a virus” thing before.

K. depressed about no longer having her own place and having to stay at her mom’s in upstate New York tonight.

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#104
April 15, 2022
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4/13/2022

10:05 am. It was fun driving the kids to school. I miss that. It was one of the few good things about Covid. 

11:04 am. Conflict with Leon over how much to charge for the 365 Stories podcast. He wants to charge $15. I think we should charge $3.65.

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#103
April 14, 2022
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4/12/2022

11:05 am. Shooting at a nearby Brooklyn subway station with several people injured.

1:43 pm. Worked with Arnold on the Cornell proof-of-concept short. He rode his bike to avoid the subway. The shooter is apparently still at large.

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#102
April 13, 2022
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4/11/2022

10:32 am. I found out this morning that my friend Marjaneh died this Saturday. She had been battling ovarian cancer for a number of years. She was the producer of the film about Joseph Cornell that we’d been trying for years to raise money for. She had raised several hundred thousand dollars but it was never quite enough. And then her cancer would return and she’d have to do another round of chemo. Talking about the pain she was in, she once told me: “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”

I had emailed her a few weeks ago to ask if she had contact information for Michael Apted (they had worked together on a project once). I hadn’t heard back which worried me a little but it usually just meant that she was dealing with cancer stuff as she would often be unavailable for months at a time. After reaching out to her, I learned that Michael Apted had died earlier this year, which was embarrassing, but now it just seems like darkness on top of darkness.

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#101
April 12, 2022
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4/10/2022

12:35 pm. Beckett, again, insisted that Scarlett wear a mask indoors and, again, we fought about it. I took Scarlett aside and tried to comfort her in the other room. Beckett eventually dropped it, then went to Manhattan to hang out with his friends, but not before sending a conciliatory text letting us know that there was a street fair on Court Street and that Scarlett might enjoy it. 

I reached out to Mandy to discuss Beckett’s insistence that Scarlett wear a mask and, of course, she refuses to respond. Realizing that my will to live is largely affected by her daily hostility. It’s like living with a terminal illness. It affects me a lot more than I realize, I think. It makes life way more unbearable.

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#100
April 11, 2022
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4/9/2022

9:09 am. Scarlett had a slight cough this morning. I immediately started to panic, but she took a COVID test and was negative.

11:03 am. Went jogging with Don Lennon. Because he’s a musician, I’m always trying to think of something music-related to talk about but today I couldn’t think of anything. I should have talked about the Smiths documentary I watched last night but it didn’t even occur to me until just now. Instead, we talked about the criminalization of dissent in Russia.

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#99
April 10, 2022
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4/8/2022

8:37 am. Avoided socializing with the other parents when I dropped Scarlett off at school, and retreated to checking emails. But I felt bad about it afterwards. Not a good precedent. Am I snob? A little bit. But also shy and uncomfortable in social settings.

1:49 pm. Two of my appointments were cancelled at the last minute, which gave me two extra hours to enjoy the day. Read some Brecht and Handke on the fire escape. About as good as life gets. Ordered a book of Handke’s essays that I wasn’t aware existed. Will never have time to read it of course. Doesn’t seem like I will ever have time to do anything again.

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#98
April 9, 2022
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4/7/2022

12:28 pm. Funereal morning. Drove K. home and gave her a bunch of my moving boxes. She has to be out of her apartment by next Friday. She kind of gave up on finding a place in New York so our future is looking pretty uncertain.

1:03 pm. Taught a mock seminar for incoming freshmen called "How To Read a Film." We did an hour-long shot-by-shot analysis of the first three minutes of Dasha Nekrasova’s The Scary of Sixty-First. The students were engaged and enthusiastic. They’re imagining a great college experience, and I’m part of the lure to make them think it’s going to be wonderful. In four years, most of them will be jaded and feel ripped off and duped.

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#97
April 8, 2022
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4/6/2022

10:31 am. Woken by K. shouting in her sleep. She has nightmares pretty much every night.

Thought of a title I kind of liked for K.’s podcast idea: “Failing to be Spiritual with Caveh Zahedi.”

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#96
April 7, 2022
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4/5/2022

10:42 am. K. said to me: “If you knew how much I love you, you would be scared.” I was moved, and then it struck me that this would make a really good opening line in a horror film.

Still trying to come up with a viable podcast idea – preferably, to quote Warhol, something “fast, cheap, and easy.” K. was kind of pooh-poohing all my ideas so I got frustrated and said something that hurt her feelings. In talking about it afterwards, she came up with what I thought was a really good idea. Now I just need to wrap my head around how to pull it off. Also, it could fail spectacularly.

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#95
April 6, 2022
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4/4/2022

8:42 am. I’ve never been particularly drawn to Walt Whitman before but, for some reason, I am now.

11:03 am. Ran into Mandy while jogging. She gave me a big smile and seemed sincerely happy to see me. That was weird. We started talking about the kids and she seemed unusually open and reasonable. She said she wanted the title to the apartment in exchange for not trying to block the Show. I told her she could have it but then, as usual, instead of making a deal, she said she needed to think about it. I pointed out to her that I’d made her this offer four years ago, and that she’d already had four years to think about it. It seemed for a brief moment like there was maybe a chance of resolving things but then she got mad and stormed off. This is always how it ends.

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#94
April 5, 2022
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4/3/2022

12:01 pm. Frustrating morning dealing with Mandy nonsense. I guess total capitulation is what’s required here. That would certainly clarify things and save time in the end. Trying to get her to be reasonable about anything is a lost cause and, at this point, is just stupid of me. I’ve been in denial long enough. She hates you and is going to do whatever she can to make your life as miserable as possible. That’s her goal. And she’s been doing a pretty good job.

So stop imagining that you’re dealing with someone who wants anything other than your total annihilation. She needs you to support her financially and to take care of the kids when she wants to go out of town with her boyfriend, but that’s it. If it weren’t for that, she would set out to utterly destroy you.

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#93
April 4, 2022
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4/02/2022

8:30 am. Why was I so upset by that journal reader’s email? I hate feeling talked down to. And I hate people who know nothing about a situation thinking they know enough to weigh in on what I should do. He was right in a way. But it was still condescending, even if well-meaning. I guess it threatens my identity as someone relatively conscious. It wounds my pride and triggers my ego.

2:42 pm. Beckett continues to be unable to see past his own perception (which is what that journal reader’s email accused me of). Is this normal? Do I just wait it out? At what age does one acquire the ability to be self-critical? It seems like Scarlett is able to do this more easily than Beckett.

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April 3, 2022
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